This Is About Discipline, Dollface.

And just like that, it's two months into 2014.

I poured champagne, shared my best moment of 2013 with my new mister and two of our closest friends, we clinked our glasses and let out a few excited cheers... and then it was a new year. 

I didn't sit down as 2013 drew to a close, pen determinedly in hand, ready to map out how I didn't want 2014 to look with a list of this-year-I'm-going-to-starts and this-year-I'm-going-to-quits and this-year-I'm-going-to-do-betters. You don't need the calendar to change to do that - maybe it's harsh to say, but I think mediocre lives are marked by the heaviness of complacency. Of being just fine with the way things are.
And friends, I'm not interested in being boring. In living a mediocre life. In blending in.

I'm interested in excellence.
In standing out so brightly that people question how the heck I do it.
In facing challenges with a bravado that's rooted in the practice of digging my heels in, of gritting my teeth and committing to every step and not relenting until I've done the best I can do, until I've given the fullest I can give.

That's serious stuff. And it's about more than just wanting to have a better new year than the old one. There's no denying that 2013 was probably my most difficult, challenging year yet - the pages of my weeping journals prove it with an almost embarrassing honesty. But what I'm talking about is so much more than just wanting to say that I grew a little, that I learned my lesson, that I'm making the most or rising above.

This is about stepping into this new season of my life and deciding what kind of person I want to be. 

There are a lot of people walking around - I'm looking around my college campus where I'm sitting and writing this and I'm seeing hundreds of them - who don't know who they want to be. A year ago, I was one of them. I sat right where I was and relied on other people to decide how I was going to feel and waited on dreams that were just easy enough, just cookie-cutter enough, not to require a bit of gut-wrenching courage. I let my passions sit deep in my belly, dormant until I grew enough to gather up the boldness to call them out and decide that I was brave enough to own them.

It's the plight of people who haven't been shaken up a bit by hands bigger than our own perception of our problems, who haven't been forced to realize that
life isn't comfortable.
It just ain't, dollface.
People leave you. People fail you. Money comes and goes even quicker, and in a heart that's open to Jesus-sized adventures, a lot of times you have to give things up. Things that maybe you really thought you wanted, things that it feels like unraveling the very fabric of who you are to let go of.

But that's so, so good. Because going through all of those things, and fighting tooth and nail to have the faith to trust in my great big God all the while, was like life's way of holding up a big, heavy, showy looking glass in front of me. And instead of my reflection between the edges of a gilded, ornate frame, I saw all the things I knew were meant for me instead.

Love. Adventure. Challenge. Success. Victory.
Big stuff.

And in the sifting and the sorting and the shoving things around to make room for what I needed to hold on to, one of the things left in my hands at the end of my season of stillness was a conviction.

A conviction to be disciplined.
To be diligent and faithful and committed to everything I sink my hands into. To let myself be wrapped up in where I am and really be IN it - none of this half in, half out business. None of this fear of making the decision to stay, or to open my hands and go.
To do everything I do with all that it takes to do it well.

And it's practical, guys. It's not just about the New-Years-Resolution-attitude of newbiggerbetterskinnierwealthierhappier.

It's about deciding who I want to be. And committing to a quest of really being that person.

And for me, it does look like prioritizing health. And being responsible with my finances. And investing in my relationships. But it's a heart thing. A deep-down, hearty, dig-my-heels-in kind of decision about who. I. am. Not about my behavior, or about what people would say about me if I held up a picture frame to my face and asked what I looked like to them. It's about who I am.

And so far, it's taking more resolution than any three-day-a-week gym plan ever has.



What kind of person do you want to be? 



"Whatever you do, work at with all your heart, as working for the Lord and not for man." - Colossians 3:23

A Big Dare (and a bunch of Ryanhood lyrics)

It's officially, finally, fall
(even though, as I predicted, we're having our Indian summer - it's almost two weeks into November and it's still 80 degrees outside). 

For a lot of people, the changing weather means adjusted wardrobes and expanded Starbucks (red cups!) budgets, saving for gifts and decorating for the holidays and letting the coziness of autumn leak in through the cracks around our doors as we finally turn off the air conditioning and throw the windows open wide. 

I love those things about fall, to be sure; pretty scarves, really great boots that you got a ridiculously good deal on, white mochas, seasonal candles from Bath and Body Works - they're some of my favorite things.
And if you read my last post, I wrote that I felt like all summer I had been moving, going, getting through. For months and months, I went through hard thing after hard thing - it was a relentless barrage of one emotional shock after another. It felt like I had to devote all the energy I had just to reminding myself that this too shall pass the same way that the sun goes down every night and comes up every morning, with resiliency and consistency and maybe even a little bravado. I prayed for the strength to just get to the next day because this one was too sad, too hard, too less than what I wanted. 

Even though that sounds SO dramatic, it was where I was at. And all things considered, I feel like I handled my hard season pretty darn well, although that's totally by the grace of God - that's the only reason that I could keep telling myself that even though it felt like the end of the world, it wasn't.

But now, I feel like my pushing, pressing, dragging along, getting through days are morphing into something different. I feel a new stillness, the way it feels after you've run a few miles and you finally have to stop to take a break, when you rest your hands on your knees and hang your head to breathe and all you can hear are the pounding of your heart in your ears and your breath as it fills your lungs with cold, delicious air and the quiet that's everywhere else around you. 

The words I've put to it in my heart are so simple:

Be where you are.

For a long time, I didn't want to do that. I adamantly refused, gave God a resolute I can't, and asked for anything that would make the time pass more quickly. Which happened, for the most part - I look back at the past 8 or 9 months and marvel at how fast it went. I look back at it with complete relief: relief that the painful parts went by so quickly, relief that I had such great people to walk through them with me, relief that they were full of lessons and not just empty punches to the gut, relief that somehow God helped me learn those lessons even though I was in such a hurry to get to the next, less hard part. 

And I did get to the next part. Time passed, the seasons changed, and here I am.

There are a lot of things in my life that aren't where I had pictured them being at this point in my journey. Aren't we all guilty of that, though? We build castles in our skies and make plans and dream dreams and pin to our Pinterest boards, thinking that we know best when really, God has been whispering something totally different to us (to me) all along:

You don't even know how beautiful the things I have in store for you are. 

It's like a challenge - like God is saying Go ahead. I dare you to trust me in this season. 

Which has been a real task! It's taking a lot of faith to just be where I am, to soak up everything that's happening in my life right here. There are so many things that I want to just happen, already! I want to just start the next chapter of my life.

But what I'm learning is that if you're always waiting and watching for the next big thing, opportunity, relationship, door to walk through - you miss the beauty in between the lines of where you are right now. My favorite band, Ryanhood, says it so well in one of their newest songs, called Lover's Lament:

If I say I’ll be happy when
Do I keep myself unhappy til then?
And if I don’t like this moment how will I like the next?
Probably gonna be, probably gonna feel a lot like this

And I relate so much to these words! I spend so much time in the past, "wishing I could have back what I had," or in the future, dreaming up the days where my current ambitions will be realized. But I'm being constantly reminded that the pages of the book of my life aren't blank right now! I'm filling them up with the script of learning how to be a confident, mature, disciplined, educated, developed woman. I'm filling them up with heartfelt conversations over cups of Gold Rush tea from the Raging Sage - I look back over the past almost-year of my life and I see them tumbling through those pages like movements in a symphony. I'm filling them up with passion expressed in the forms of sub-par guitar playing, honest-to-blog writing, and enthusiastic cheers at UofA football and basketball games. I'm filling them up with growth and development and relationship, and that's so beautiful.

There's much to be accomplished in this life - that's something to be recognized and appreciated, to be sure.
Dream big dreams - do it! Don't limit yourself to what you think is possible. I believe that God is in the business of defeating the odds and making big things happen - and if you believe in that too, it's crazy what you can see happen in your life.
But while you're on the road to getting to where you're dreaming of being, don't forget to look around along the way. And if, every so often, you have to step off the full-speed-ahead path to just sit, take a rest, and listen, do that too. And enjoy every blessed, colorful second of it - breathe every ounce of that fresh air in, because I'm learning that these quiet, still seasons can teach you a lot. Sometimes even more than when you're plowing pedal-to-the-metal forward into your future.

Because it's in these still, simple, stay-put seasons that you learn discipline. Trust. Hope. Patience. Diligence.
It's in these stay-put seasons that you learn to appreciate the small prizes that you can find in between the boisterous triumphs that come in seasons of movement.

And even though I will gladly appreciate when things start rolling heavily forward again, I'm learning to appreciate this stillness. This sense of upward (instead of forward) growth. This time of looking around me and soaking up all the goodness that I have right now.



What kind of season are you in?

Start Somewhere

So let's talk about how Ryanhood is coming out with a new album. It's basically the best news ever. 

You should click this link, An Open Letter To Friends of Ryanhood, to pre-order the new album, Start Somewhere. And then, if you live in Tucson, you should go to their show at the Rialto on November 2 where it will be released (which I happen to be selling tickets for - leave a comment if you want one!). 

It's not just good music. It's their heart, and it's good for the soul.

Not a sponsored post, ya'll. I just really love these guys.

When the Weather Changes

As I walk around campus today, there is a crisp breeze weaving itself between the buildings and through the union, rippling the leaves on the trees and whistling as it wraps around students heading to their classes. There is a chill on my skin, and all day I've been wishing that I had worn something just a little thicker than this tank top. 

Fall is coming. 

I can say with absolute certainty that there will be an indian summer and, for a few more days (let's be honest - it'll probably be weeks), I'll be back to shorts and despising having to walk around outside. 

But there's something in the air. Girls have already broken out scarves and boots, and all around I see people drinking their hot Starbucks drinks and relishing the warmth of the cups in their hands as this lovely breeze curls around them. 

It's an expectancy. 

For months and months, we've been sweating and swearing and trying to fend off heat stroke and cringing when the electricity bill arrives but resigning ourselves to it because you either pay it or pass out from the heat - come on guys, it's Tucson. 

But now, it's October. As the ripples of the wind dance through the air, it's almost like I can hear a soft whisper saying "I've been waiting for you."

Because all summer, I've been moving. I've been pushing forward and pressing on and trying to get through. Trying to get through the hurt and the healing and the learning and the growing - man, has it been a hard year. 

I've always associated the summertime with falling in love - even when I was in middle school, I would read Sarah Dessen novels about sixteen year olds and their summer adventures of finding love and to me, that's always what the summer meant. And then I really did fall in love in the summertime, and I spent the next two years falling in love over and over again, giving my heart away to a person and to dreams and to passions and to desires. 

And then this year, I spent the summer trying to fall out of love. Which was painful and a lot of hard work and, for a lot of reasons, seemed totally wrong.
I've lived my entire life believing that you should fall in love as much as you can, with as many people and things and places and passions as you can. Believing that that was how you found joy and purpose and wholeness in life, that love is the only thing that matters. 

But what I'm learning now, now that summer is ending and autumn is starting to peek ever-so-shyly around the corner, is that I was wrong.

You give your heart away to the things you fall in love with - to the people, to the things, to the thoughts, to the dreams; they all take a little piece of you with them because really, you give yourself to them.

I've given my heart away to a lot of things. To a lot of people. And I've been broken by almost all of them. Some people have taken pieces of my heart and completely destroyed them.
But Jesus is gentle, and gracious, and like that song goes that everyone in the entire Christian culture knows - His love never fails.

So as pumpkin-spice-everything and brown knee-high boots are taking over my campus, I'm learning how to let Jesus take over my heart. How to be more in love with Jesus than anything - or ANYONE - else. How to make Jesus my only choice.

Sometimes it looks as simple as not saying anything when someone annoys me during the day - or not gossiping about it with my roommates when I come home. Sometimes it looks as complicated as choosing, that day, to forgive the person who hurt me more than anyone else ever has. Sometimes it's as short and sweet as praying for someone that it hurts me to think about.

It's complicated. And messy. And not easy to define.
 But it's walking out "being a Christian" - for real.


I don't know about you, but I'm so thankful that the seasons change.






"Whoever finds his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." - Matthew 10:39

The View From Here, and Forgiveness

As promised, I've got a post coming up about life as of late, but today I just wanted to share a little snippet of how I'm feeling right now.

This morning, I had to take my poor kitten to the vet because he's getting declawed, so I skipped my first class, meaning my morning was free from 6:30 when I woke up until 9:30 when I had to leave for my second class.

And the weather is absolutely beautiful today - when I got back from dropping Bingley off at the vet's office, it was 67 degrees. SIXTY SEVEN DEGREES!!! 

I can't even remember the last time I walked outside without feeling like I was going to die of heat stroke. There was no way I was letting that go without soaking as much of it up as I could (the high today is supposed to be 91, I think). 

So after a quick trip to my favorite coffee shop, the Raging Sage, and a couple of run-ins with some lovely friends, I took a chair out to our (rather pathetic) patio (but a patio nonetheless!) and had my quiet time. Completely randomly, I ended up reading in the Psalms and in Luke about forgiveness, a concept that I have been tenaciously wrestling to apply in my life lately. Fittingly, my devotion was about living in the fullest potential of this moment... and in all of the verses and the words and the teaching that I was reading, I just felt peace. And quiet. And the joy in just being still, sitting on my patio with a great view of the parking lot, listening to my roommates shuffle around in our wonderful little apartment getting ready for the day. 

And I felt so thankful. Thankful for my roommates, for our apartment, for the beautiful weather, for my friends and family and community and, oddly, for this season of my life. Thankful that I can tangibly see the way that God has been working in my life, refining my character, healing my heart. 

Thankful that when I read about the biblical and practical nature of forgiveness this morning, my thoughts weren't 

How am I ever going to be able to do that?

like they have been so much lately; instead, they were 

God, thank you so much for teaching me about the way that you forgave me and continue to forgive me every day, so that I can forgive because of you. 

Because what I have learned lately is that forgiveness is hard. When someone wrongs me, I don't want to give them a free pass, turn the other cheek, accept them with unrelenting grace - I want justice! I want them to admit they were wrong, to apologize, to make things right!

But that's not how it works. God's forgiveness for us - for our sins, for our un-Christian thoughts, for the swear word that slipped out - is always available. It's complete, it's whole, it's unconditional. We don't have to do anything to earn the forgiveness - it's there, offered freely, and all we have to do is accept it. If we met up with God for coffee one day, and said "God, I'm so sorry for what I did, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but -", he would probably just wave his hand casually through the air and say "You don't have to explain. You have nothing to apologize for. I love you, and I forgive you. It's done."

How ridiculous is that? I could probably list off 500 offenses that I make against God every single day. And he forgives me unconditionally, unhesitatingly, every single time.

And in knowing that, how could I not be forgiving too?

Not that it's easy. Quite the opposite - like I said, forgiveness is hard. It's in our human nature to want to feel vindicated. But Luke 17:4 says "Even if a person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive." When I first read that verse, I thought Oh, but it says you must forgive them if they ask for forgiveness. And I think it seems kind of unnatural to forgive someone if they don't ask forgiveness, if they don't even feel sorry for what they did or how they hurt you. But the Jesus model of forgiveness shows us that forgiveness is there, available to us if we ask for it or not. It's not an action, or a benevolent string of words you say to someone to make them feel better - forgiveness is a matter of the heart.

And sitting on my porch this morning, soaking up the beauty of a new day, I felt a new resolve in my heart to make it a reality in my life. To walk it out. For the first time, I felt confident that I could say with honesty I forgive you, if I was ever given the opportunity. I felt the victory of OVERCOMING. 

And that's my view from here. 

What does your view look like?

Tender mercies, new each morning

Finding life in You

The sun is rising, the Son has risen

Making all things new

You make all things, You make all things, You make all things new

Rush Week, and a Bit of Reflecting

This week, I walked through campus for the first time all summer. 

(Which is interesting, considering that I work on campus... I just stayed in my office building and around the periphery.) 

And oddly, it was a great feeling. 

Usually, at the start of a new semester I'm always annoyed with the hoards of students that come flooding in from summer break and crowd up the student union. I dread starting classes and the overwhelming busyness that has characterized almost every semester of my undergraduate career. I find myself wishing I could go back to the start of summer break.

But today, walking through campus felt exciting. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this will be my last semester as an undergrad, or maybe it has to do with the fact that I have such a different perspective about everything these days.

But whatever the reason, I am excited.
I'm excited to be in a classroom learning about things I'm interested in again; I'm excited for Chi Alpha to start; I'm excited to be surrounded by people all day.
I'm excited to see what this semester is going to bring. Maybe an even better word is expectant.

I'm expectant for the adventure that this new semester is going to be, for the good things it will bring.

It's so crazy to think that this is really it - this is my last semester as an undergraduate. I remember getting here four years ago and feeling like college was going to last forever, and now here I am, at the brink of graduation wondering where all the time went.
I have truly loved my time here. I have learned and grown and experienced and become an adult; I've formed relationships that will truly last for the rest of my life.

And now, I find myself at yet another pivotal juncture of transition. This semester, I'm going to apply to nursing school. I'm going to quit my job. I'm going to either be accepted to nursing school or rejected, and I'm going to have to decide what my next job will be. This semester, I'm going to be constantly challenged to take leaps of faith, to trust in the Lord's plans and purposes for my life, to remember that even when things don't look the way I think they should, I'm exactly where I need to be.

I'm not going to lie - I'm a little bit apprehensive. A lot of things are changing, and have been changing. But I have heard so many people recently say that you should never worry about what you can't control. And it's so true - I have no idea what will happen once I submit my application to nursing school. I have no idea where my money is going to come from when I quit my job in December (for the record, my bosses are aware that this is happening).

But I do know that right now, I am stepping into my final semester of being a Physiology student at the University of Arizona. I have one more semester to pour into my campus ministry, Chi Alpha; one more semester filled with opportunities to be a light to my campus, in my classrooms and with my classmates.

And I want to embrace every. single. moment.

I have very few regrets, but one of them is central to every area of my life - to my past relationship with my ex-boyfriend, to the times that I got to spend with family outside of school, even to my time here at the UofA as a student. And it is that, so often, I didn't cherish every moment that I had in that place. And I regret that grievously.

So it seems that that's my new motto in life, really - if you look back at previous entries I've written, they are riddled with this challenge:

No matter where you're at, or how far away you seem to be from where you want to be, or how ordinary what you're doing might seem,

Cherish every moment. Savor your right now. COMMIT TO THIS PART OF YOUR JOURNEY.

I know I want to.




And all that, just from walking through a crowd of 5,000 sorority girls in the student union during Rush Week. My goodness. 

When Things Change

Today, I can't help but be reminded of a lot of things that are no longer part of my life. It's one of those days that used to be significant but isn't anymore, a day that used to mean something wonderful but now is just another day.

Which brings me to think about change - about the nature of change, how much it impacts us, and how much has changed in my own life in such a short amount of time. 

Change is so hard to deal with, especially when you have to experience a change that takes you from somewhere you want to be to somewhere you didn't plan on being at all. I know very few people, if any, who look forward to change or enjoy it. We get comfortable with the way things are, and we get attached to the way we like things to be, and I know I can say for myself that so often, I come to depend on the relationships I have.

So then, when something changes, it is so uncomfortable. To say the very least. Depending on where your identity lies, it can be earth-shattering.

In this current season of my life where everything has been changing - my relationships, my plans, my routines, my priorities, even the place I live and who I live with - I have been presented with a great challenge: how will I handle the change in my life?

Will I run from it? Will I let the disbelief that I ended up in a place so far from where I had thought I would be hold me still, stuck in a moment that I can't get out of? Will I be angry that things didn't go my way? Will I resist, taking the risk of missing out on beautiful new opportunities? Will I be resentful? Bitter, even?
I'd be lying if I said I haven't struggled with every single one of those.

OR -

Will I embrace the change? Will I square my shoulders, and resolve to make the most of the season that I'm in - regardless that I hadn't planned on being there in the first place? Will I see all of these new, different, unfamiliar things in my life as new adventures? Will I let go of my attachment to how things used to be, and forge headlong into the way things are, the way they will be? Will I trust that I serve a God who has beautiful plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future? Will I trust that He knows the desires of my heart better than I do, and that only beautiful things are in store for me if I do trust Him?

I'd like to be able to say that this is the attitude I've had consistently about all of the recent changes in my life, but that's so not the case. When your life gets turned upside down, I think your first instinct is just to survive. Honestly, this positive outlook on change is coming with time, with perspective, and with a lot of prayer. I am very much the kind of person who likes to make my plans and stick to them, the kind of person who likes to know what's happening and be in control. But I've realized that sometimes - oftentimes- you have to just accept that you (ironically) can't change everything that's changing, and so you have to just go with it.

And attitude is everything, I think, when it comes to handling situations that make you uncomfortable. Situations that challenge your normal, that take you out of your comfort zone.

But I hear that's where the magic happens - outside of your comfort zone. Outside of your box. You don't get to have adventures when you sit on the couch day after day - emotionally, or physically!

So that is my heart for this time of change, of transition - to figure out how to make the most of it. To embrace the new routines, the new relationships, the new way that everything feels. To be expectant of greater things ahead than anything I've left behind. To just keep swimming. And I'm finding that sometimes, change can be really, really good.

What changes are you navigating in life?



The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. - Psalm 18:2

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

A Little Peace In A Lot Of Craziness

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those who hope in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Lamentations 3:21-25

I read this verse and a warm peace spreads through my heart.

Life has been so wonderfully hectic as of late, and I have been so thankful for the fullness that I have experienced every single day for the past few months. But when the roar of my busyness dies down to a gentle hum, I'm left with my thoughts and my emotions and not much else (unless I'm filling in the quiet with the awkward and unrefined strums of my guitar). And it's then that I'm faced with a choice: where do I fix my eyes? On what do I set my heart?

I'd be a dirty liar if I said I haven't wallowed in my emotions or become overwhelmed with my thoughts, and many times. But what I'm learning is that I have the choice "to get unstuck from my wilderness," as my pastor would say. 

I count a lot of things as losses, in this season that I am walking through. I do. This has most certainly been a desert season, a period of struggle and lessons and challenges. 

But I don't want to be like the Israelites after they left Egypt. Most people know that they wandered the desert for 40 years before they entered the Promised Land - BUT. Did you know? God called them into the Promised Land after just two. TWO YEARS!!! They spent an extra 38 years wandering through the wilderness because they were disobedient, because they took their eyes off of God and let themselves doubt. What the heck!!! (You can read about this in Deuteronomy 1). 

I don't want that. I don't want to be stuck in my desert season because I am not trusting in God's faithfulness and provision, because I am not obedient. 

So when I get lonely, or sad, or a little too emotional (because let's face it, this happens to me daily - with any kind of emotion, not just sadness), I just focus on these words. On this truth. That the Lord is enough, that he is so good, that he is always the same.

And oh, friends, there is so much freedom in that. 

Adventure

Adventure: an exciting or remarkable experience; an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks

 Last weekend at church, my pastor talked about adventure. About how life is a great adventure - one that takes time and presents us with immense challenges. One that, if we have perseverance, is more worth it than we could ever imagine.

And it made me realize how incredibly thematic adventure is in my own life - something I think I have always known, but hearing Pastor Dave's sermon really drove the idea home. I mean, I named this blog "Adventures of the Nalani Variety" - and that was almost five years ago, before I had any idea what an adventure my life would truly become!

Especially over the last few months, I have realized a lot about the kind of person that I am and the things that I am expectant of in my life.

I want to experience exciting, remarkable things!

I want to live a life of passion, of extraordinary.

Really, more than anything, my heart craves an adventure.

I don't want to become a person who just does my job during the week, goes to church on Sunday, and then repeats the cycle over and over again. I recognize that soon, I will have a job and a home a family and a routine - for most Americans, that is reality! And believe me, becoming a nurse and a wife and a mother are all things that I am hopefully expectant of, things that I will rejoice in!

But I want more than that. I want to see beauty and passion and excitement in everything I do, everywhere I go, in every relationship I have.

Someday, most certainly (who knows, maybe even TODAY!), I want to do the thrilling things that come to mind when you hear the word "adventure" - I want to travel to exotic destinations, skydive, zipline in Pi'iholo, Maui, swim with dolphins, hike mountains, explore. But, more than any of that, I want my life to be defined by an attitude of adventure.

I think that, more than skydiving or traveling (or the willingness to do those things), adventure is a matter of the heart. It's being dissatisfied with only this; it's pressing for more, higher, deeper, longer, FULLER.

Not to be mistaken for being discontent with the right now, with this moment, with this place. No, I mean precisely the opposite - I mean endeavoring to make the most out of exactly this moment; I mean being committed to having an extraordinary experience no matter how ordinary something might appear to be. 

I mean walking through Target with one of your best friends shopping for shower curtains and recognizing that you are walking through that moment with one of your best friends. And being so incredibly thankful that you have best friends. 

I mean falling in love hard, head over heels in love, with people and places and seasons and experiences and lessons and right now. 

I mean expecting exquisite, magical moments in the midst of walking through the day to day. 

I mean dreaming of beautiful, wonderful, bigger-than-life things, and being 100% committed to the journey that it takes to get there.

I mean cherishing and celebrating every single moment, because you're never going to get it back again. And because, someday, you're going to want to remember it. You're going to want to say that you made the most out of every beautiful, or tragic, breath that you took. 

That's the kind of adventure I want my life to be. I want to be surrounded by and invested in people who will go on adventures with me - and I am so blessed to be able to say that's true of my life right now. And someday, when I meet the man I am going to marry, I want him to be a man that will go on these adventures with me, too - someone who won't just tolerate my dreamer's heart, but someone who will come right alongside me and dream exciting new dreams with me. 

And I think the key to all of this is what I said before - I have found, and I believe with all of my heart, that the secret to leading a life of adventure, the secret to walking down an extraordinary path, is being committed to the journey. Not necessarily the destination - so many people are just trying to get there, wherever there is, that they miss the thrill and the beauty of this. Right now. 

So be committed to your journey. Be willing to submit all of your doubts and fears and expectations to a God who promises that His plans will bring you hope, prosperity, a bright future! Be bold enough to take risks and to walk into unknown territory. Let change happen. Look for the beauty and the joy in where you are right now... 

And friends, you'll see adventure all around. 

I'm not saying it's easy - quite the opposite, actually. It's resolving to challenge your ordinary - and I don't know about you, but that certainly doesn't come naturally for me. 

But I wouldn't want it any other way.

Philippians 4:13, and a Little Perspective

I subscribe to a guy named Jefferson Bethke on the YouTube - I have actually been watching his videos for a while now. If you've never heard of him (and if you have!), you should go check him out! He makes a lot of awesome videos discussing scripture and Biblical concepts in a really unconventional way, in a way that is practically applicable in our American culture and society today. (Ladies- you should check out his wife, Alyssa, on her blog as well! It is such an encouragement to read and I highly recommend it! Her blog has been a huge inspiration to the way that I manage this blog.) 

Anyway, Jeff posted a video today on a topic that I have been thinking about writing a blog post on myself! I probably still will at some point, because (as always), I have a lot to say, but I thought this video really hits the point on the head. 

As Jeff says in the video, Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength) is one of the most quoted verses in the entire Bible. For good reason - it's a great verse! But something that I have felt pretty strongly about, especially in my current season, is that it is also one of the most misinterpreted. Philippians 4:12-13 is one of my absolute favorite passages of scripture, but so many people leave out verse 12 when they reference it and, truly, I feel like it is so critical to being able to understand what Paul is actually trying to say!!

These verses have been such an encouragement to me in the past few months, and have really given me perspective on a lot of the incredibly difficult challenges I've had to navigate recently.

Check out this video, and see what Jeff has to say about it! 

For The Record

There have been a lot of people reading this blog lately - for which I am so grateful. Thank you so much!! But it has made me want to share something really important: I never write anything here that is not 100% from my heart. I don't think about the best way to say things so that they sound the nicest - I spend a lot of time reflecting on my life and on my lessons, and that is where everything I share here comes from. It's all real, all organic, all completely me. Sometimes, I've got happy stuff, and sometimes I've got not-so-happy stuff. 

But I share it because it matters. Yes, this is a great outlet for me and I love being able to chronicle what I'm walking through in my life, purely for myself. But my hope is that, just maybe, something that I am walking through is something that you're walking through, too. Yes, you. 

Not that I mean that I hope any of you who read this are going through a hard part of your life - I pray that isn't the case! 

But trials are a huge part of life - I read somewhere once that if you aren't going through a trial right now, you either just got out of one or one is headed your way! That can seem a little discouraging, I suppose, but it's true - life is full of just as many downs as it is ups. 

And so my hope is that, at any point in my journey, something that I share here might encourage any one of you. However you happened to stumble upon this little blog, I hope that you've been able to relate to me, to my thoughts and feelings and experiences. I hope that this blog might be a way for me to walk alongside you; that you would know - just maybe - that I've been where you are and that you are not alone!

And just as we go through struggles sometimes, there are also so many wonderful things in this life to celebrate - and I want to celebrate with you! Again, I hope that my story, whether I'm currently in a chapter of joy or of sorrow, encourages you.  

Whoever you are, thank you so much for coming here and reading this blog - even though I may not know that you are, or I may not even know you at all!, you are sharing my life with me and I so appreciate that. 

My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long - though I know not how to relate them all. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. - Psalm 71:15-16

My Inheritance

Last week, I spent the day with one of my dearest friends, who is leaving at the end of the summer to spend a year doing missions work in Austria. We went to church, where she shared her beautiful heart for the people of Austria and the work she will be doing there, I helped her move, we went shopping, had coffee and dinner and a whole lot of heartfelt conversation.

Lindsey is one of the people that I have been most blessed by in this season. She has always been someone that I have looked up to. Her wisdom and discernment are qualities that I highly esteem, and the time that we had on Sunday to enjoy each other and reflect on the way our relationship has grown in the past three years was like salve for my soul. 

And it made me think - because it wouldn't be me if I didn't find something deep to think about, right?

It made me think about relationships, of all kinds. Family, friends, acquaintances, significant others. They're probably the most influential force in our lives. The way we connect with other people, and the way they impact us, is huge- relationships can be one of the most life-giving or most destructive aspects of life. In my own 21 years, I feel like I've seen the effects of almost every kind of relationship you can have.

I've experienced the way that getting caught up with the wrong people can cause pain and heartache.
I've felt the frustration of growing up with a bratty younger sister.
I've carried the hurt that comes from parental shortcomings.
I've battled with the bitterness of being let down by someone I trusted.
I've walked through the devastation, confusion, and loneliness that follows a messy and heart-shattering breakup.

But I've also felt my heart swell with pride as I watched my baby sister graduate from high school.
I've been held up by the soft-heartedness, wisdom, and support of parents who love me.
I have thanked God for the outstanding quality of my closest friends.
I have known the bliss of being deeply and truly loved by someone, and felt the freedom that comes from being deeply and truly in love.

More than anything else, I have seen the way God uses relationships - like mine with my friend Lindsey - to change our lives.

In this challenging season of my life, I have learned so much of the Lord's exquisite love for us through my community. I have found that in surrounding myself - constantly!- with people who share the same love of Jesus as I, He has been working through those people in my heart. Through my relationships, God has shown me his love, his compassion, his favor, and his joy - and that is so incredible.

So incredible that, even in this time where I am lonely so much, where turning constantly to God's promises for me is the only way that I could possibly get through my day, I feel so much goodness. I feel loved. I feel wanted and celebrated and cherished; I feel like I have a place. A place to call home in an amazing group of men and women that God is using to bless me in a time where so much has changed and been lost.

And this is the truth about my life that I have learned lately: that even when nothing is the way I wanted it to be, even when there is brokenness and pain and sorrow, God still has beautiful things for me. Because I cherish relationships above almost everything else, the Lord chose to show me that beauty through prosperous, encouraging, fruitful relationships, and I'm so thankful.

Maybe it doesn't look that like for everyone - maybe God is working in your life through your job or your ministry or even your solitude. But the point I'm trying to make here, is that I have tasted and seen of His great love for us. And it is so, so great; so much so that even when everything seems like it is falling apart, there is truly so much joy to be found in the treasures that our Father lays up for us to find.

What treasures are you discovering in your life?




The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. - Psalm 16:6

Hope

 

Sarah Dessen knows her stuff. 

The Goings-On

In my last post, I talked about how much has been going on in my life lately!
I told you how I feel about it all, and what I've been learning,
but I also wanted to share with you some of the details. You know, give you a peek into what my day to day actually looks like.

After almost two years of working in the same office, last week I was offered a raise!! Which is so crazy, because I had been thinking about that recently and had said one single, teeny, tiny prayer regarding it which went a little something like this (actually, probably exactly like this):
"God, if I could get raise at work, that'd be pretty cool."
Hey, God just asks us to pray - He doesn't say how.

I started housesitting for a friend who is overseas on a missions trip in Indonesia for three weeks. The house is brand new, and so nice, and it has been so wonderful to have a change of scenery! My apartment is very small, and since my breakup in February I have been dying to get out of there. My best friend moved in last month, which improved it significantly, but staying at the house I'm watching actually feels like being in a home again, and I am loving it. It's also half an hour closer to my summer school campus than my own apartment, so it's been convenient too!

On that same note, I have been really enjoying the long drives this summer, between my apartment and work, which are on the west side of town, and my friend's house and summer school, which are on the east side of town. Before this year, I absolutely despised driving, so to actually enjoy it has been really working out for me.

I have been spending a lot of quality time with dear friends. I actually can't remember the last night that I wasn't going somewhere or doing something with a friend, and even though I have had absolutely zero time to relax lately, it has been so wonderful. I've been going to happy hours and dinners with both old friends and new ones, had movie nights, watched hockey games and UFC fights, and altogether I have just been celebrating life and all of the great relationships that I've been so blessed with.

I feel like that's been the theme of my summer - celebration. Celebration of people, relationships, time, seasons of life, babies, marriages...

Speaking of marriage, my best friend got engaged this month!! I knew it was coming, because her now-fiancé had given me the obligatory best-friend-heads-up around Easter, and to be honest I was a bit nervous. I was nervous that, given everything I've gone through this year and everything that I've lost, I would have a hard time being happy for her.
But then, when she sent me a photo of her and her new fiancé on the night that he proposed, I saw the joy in her face and I couldn't help but be completely ecstatic for her! It was so cool, to see the way that the Lord had healed my heart so that I could celebrate this incredible new step of her life with her, to be able share her joy with her and to celebrate with her.
And so this month has been full of fun wedding-planning things, from being there to see her pick out her wedding dress, to going through bridal magazines with post-its and wine in hand, to holding up the paint chips from Home Depot that she used to help her pick out her wedding colors...
It has been such a blessing to truly be able to celebrate her in these things, to feel nothing but love and joy and support for her and her fiancé, to be so excited for the beautiful things that are to come as the real wedding planning gets going.

I am so thankful that even though this summer isn't turning out at all like I had hoped or expected, I have so many things and people and reasons to celebrate.
I am so thankful that I have such amazing friends.
I am so thankful that the Lord has drawn me into such fullness of life, into such beauty and blessing and joy and fun.

It's gonna be a long, hot summer, but unlike Keith Urban (anybody? anybody?), I don't feel like I'm waiting for anything. I'm so enjoying this moment that I'm in right now, and that's never been something that I've been very good at so it is a challenge, but such a welcome one.

What moment are you enjoying right now?



Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is he who takes refuge in Him. - Psalm 34:8

Looking Good

Lately, my life has been an absolute whirlwind.

In two senses, really - 1. I've been so extraordinarily busy, and 2. so many things have happened!

Let me explain.

This summer, I am (yet again) enrolled in summer school, this time finishing off my math credits so that I can actually get this degree that I've been working so hard for! I need two semesters of calculus, so my goal is to finish them both in summer session so that in the fall semester, I can take it a little bit easy. I want to finish up my undergrad without having too much stress to deal with - all of my classes in the fall will be the prerequisite courses that I need for nursing school, so I'm anticipating that they won't be as difficult as the majority of the classes that I took for my major.

But right now: two five-week calculus courses, back to back? Where one day of class is basically equivalent to an entire week of material in a normal, semester-long class? In the subject that I am the least proficient in?

I'm brilliant, I tell you.

So between school and my job and volunteering at the hospital, I am a busy, busy girl.

But I'm also a happy girl. 

Lately, I have felt more thankful, beautiful, joyful, and blessed than I have in... maybe ever. Which is so strange for me to think about, considering everything that I've gone through this year. 

After my breakup, and throughout all of the pretty ugly things that happened following it, I was expecting the really hard, horrible part/season/period of the moving-on process to last for a long time. I was expecting to be sad for a long time, to feel the sting of the heartbreak for a good long while.
But, surprisingly, it is not quite four months later and I am feeling great.

I feel blessed. So, so blessed. It is still hard sometimes, to be sure - these things take time. They call it a process for a reason.
But at the same time, I am overwhelmed with the truth that my life is full and beautiful and victorious, and I am just in awe of it all.
In awe of how quickly the Lord has redeemed my heart.
In awe of how much goodness has replaced the ugliness and heartache that I felt was going to last forever.
Of how much affirmation I have received from so many people, about my character and my faithfulness and my future.

God has used friends and mentors and even people that I never would have expected to speak into my life to show me that I'm doing a good job, that I'm being faithful and obedient, that beautiful, exciting things are in store for me!

And I believe that with all of my heart - I wrote recently that I didn't know what to expect from even the next month of my life anymore. And that's still true, to a slight degree - I'm continually finding myself surprised at what God is doing, but in such wonderful ways! And while I could never know what exactly is next for me, I know without a doubt that it's going to be SO GOOD. Better than I ever thought "good" could get. And, in fact, I'm finding that it is that way - right now. 

And doesn't God tell us that anyways? That He always has our best interests at heart? And even though I didn't have the perspective to see it then (and I'm still not quite sure I understand now!), I made the choice to submit to the Lord's will for me, and He has shown me that He is always faithful to His promises! He has answered all of my prayers, even some that I didn't know I needed answers to. It hasn't looked the way I thought it would, but God is doing so many exciting things in my life and I am so encouraged and hopeful for what is to come.


And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28 NIV

What Moves Me

I have mentioned this a couple of times, but recently I started dancing again! I've been taking classes at an awesome studio here in Tucson, Breakout, and it has been incredible. It has been the most perfect way to relieve all of the stress I've been under lately, of getting out all of the emotional stuff I'm dealing with that week, and of doing something fun and beautiful just for myself. 

Dancing was such a huge part of my life for so long. It was what I did, what I loved - and then I didn't do it for four years. I didn't do anything for myself, really, for four years - just school, work, and Chi Alpha (which I also love, but that's another story!). 

But this season of my life has been the perfect time to start again. And it's different, now - I'm not very good at it anymore, being out of training for so long, which is hard. But I almost like it better now than before. When I danced in high school and for the company I was in, it was fun and I loved it to be sure. But I think I was always so performance-focused, really; I think I just did it to be good at it. 

But now, I'm just doing it for me. For fun, for the joy of moving, for the freedom of expressing whatever it is that I'm feeling. 

It's beautiful.

Not really my dancing itself (I really am so out of shape!), but how it feels. It's dancing for the sake of dancing. There's no pressure to perform (I  mean, aside from the part where I'm dancing, haha), or to have great technique, or to nail the timing. When I'm in the studio now, I'm just enjoying myself. 

And that is a wonderful feeling :). 

Not to mention that it's a killer workout! Seriously - if you ever want to spend an hour and a half sweating profusely and then wake up the next morning with muscles that you didn't even know you could use so sore that you have a hard time walking, take a dance class at Breakout. It's awesome. 

I also owe so much credit to my dance teacher. Her name is Davonna, and she is nothing short of amazing. She is such a beautiful dancer, and she has helped me have the courage to do what I love again for the simple joy of doing it. She is encouraging and challenging, and it inspires me to keep moving!

She sent me this video from our class last night, so I thought I would share it here (video credit is all hers). It's humble, but it's a peek into something that has given me so much joy in the past weeks, and I am so excited to be part of something beautiful and to have the opportunity to keep getting better at it. 

"Young and Beautiful" by Lana Del Rey - Choreography by Davonna Batt

Enjoy! I leave you with these beautiful words that Davonna said to me today, that I think apply to life in general, not just dancing:

"Keep enjoying yourself and finding yourself in whatever movement is thrown at you." 

I'm Still Here!

The past two weeks have been so full! It's been a lot of busy, busy, busyness, 

but it's been great. 

I celebrated my 21st birthday this week, and through amazing friends, wonderful family, and a lot of love,

God has reminded me that I am cherished and worth being celebrated to so many people.

AND SO ARE YOU!! - YES, YOU!

And that has lifted me up in a time that I really, really needed it!

I couldn't have asked for a better start to 21, and I have this expectant feeling that this year is going to be full of so much more growth and change and adventure than I ever could have imagined.

I mean, look at how the first five months have gone...

But I am excited to see where God leads me in this new season.

And I'm so thankful that you choose to walk my journey with me.

So, from the bottom of my heart - if you come here, if you read these words I write so sincerely,

thank you.

thank you so very much.

On another note, I would just like to say...

Life is really, really hard.

So many things are a struggle. And I have a hard time reconciling to that sometimes...

But I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have that help me remember

that life is so, so sweet

and that I am so incredibly blessed.

As always, keep checking back- so much more to come. 

And if you're one of the people who is responsible for those numbers that keep climbing under "Page Views" in my blog stats, 

leave me a comment!! I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

It's Good to Remember...

Crossroads, Turning Points, and the Things that Make Moving On Easier

It’s hard to believe even as I’m writing this, but the semester is over. School is finished (until summer school starts, that is!), and as I leave behind my last physiology classes and gen eds and start looking towards nursing school, I’m leaving behind a lot more than just lectures and papers and binders full of notes. Even though I’m not quite done yet (I’ll graduate in December), there is such a feeling of finality, of resolution, about the semester ending and summer beginning.

That person that I loved was everywhere – we studied in the libraries together, we rode the CatTran to school together, we had lunch dates in the union together; the memories that I have from our relationship completely saturate my campus. I invested so much into this relationship, poured 100% of my heart into something that I never imagined wouldn’t actually happen. But oh, do plans change!

So as I close the door on my senior year of college (here’s a woot woot for all the fifth-year seniors!), I’m closing the door on a lot of things. Memories, hopes, dreams, plans, possibilities – beautiful things that I will never forget, but dead things that I am SO ready to move on from. And I’m so thankful for this new crossroad, this new opportunity to keep moving away from all of the hurt and heartache and disappointment. I want so much to keep walking away from everything that has happened this semester – not to forget it all, because I don’t think you ever forget your first love, and because I have loved and learned so much. But to just keep moving forward. This was seriously the most difficult semester of my entire undergraduate career (for many more reasons than just this). But knowing that I am at this tangible turning point in my life gives me such hope for the future.

And I am so thankful for the grace that God has given me to get here. There is no way I could have reached this place of peace and acceptance and general “okay-ness” without some significant help, and in giving this all to the Lord like I have, He has continually blessed me with grace and dignity to handle this well. It’s still hard, to be sure – every day I have to intentionally lay down the anger and hurt and expectations. I didn’t want things to end up this way, of course, and no amount of time will change that, but God is also blessing me with new perspective – daily! – on my situation. In my quiet times and through my amazing friends, I am beginning to see how God is using this to bless me, to make me a better person, and to bring fullness into my life. It’s so weird to say those things, since I have lost so much, but God’s character is really being shown to me in the way that He’s returning me with more abundant blessings than the things I’ve had to give up. Yes, so much has been taken away (such beautiful dreams!) but I am starting to see beauty where I’m at right now, too.

And, anyway, isn’t that what summertime is all about? New adventures, discovering new things, starting over, beauty, excitement? I am certainly ready for all of those things. And I’ve already started to see it – I’m doing things I didn’t do before, like dancing and going on long drives by myself. I’m spending so much time with and making so many great memories with my excellent friends. I’m becoming more independent. I'm learning more about who my God is and who He says that I am.

And I couldn’t ask for anything better from this time.

Here’s to starting over.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. – Proverbs 31:25