It’s hard to believe even as I’m writing this, but the semester is over. School is finished (until summer school starts, that is!), and as I leave behind my last physiology classes and gen eds and start looking towards nursing school, I’m leaving behind a lot more than just lectures and papers and binders full of notes. Even though I’m not quite done yet (I’ll graduate in December), there is such a feeling of finality, of resolution, about the semester ending and summer beginning.
That person that I loved was everywhere – we studied in the libraries together, we rode the CatTran to school together, we had lunch dates in the union together; the memories that I have from our relationship completely saturate my campus. I invested so much into this relationship, poured 100% of my heart into something that I never imagined wouldn’t actually happen. But oh, do plans change!
So as I close the door on my senior year of college (here’s a woot woot for all the fifth-year seniors!), I’m closing the door on a lot of things. Memories, hopes, dreams, plans, possibilities – beautiful things that I will never forget, but dead things that I am SO ready to move on from. And I’m so thankful for this new crossroad, this new opportunity to keep moving away from all of the hurt and heartache and disappointment. I want so much to keep walking away from everything that has happened this semester – not to forget it all, because I don’t think you ever forget your first love, and because I have loved and learned so much. But to just keep moving forward. This was seriously the most difficult semester of my entire undergraduate career (for many more reasons than just this). But knowing that I am at this tangible turning point in my life gives me such hope for the future.
And I am so thankful for the grace that God has given me to get here. There is no way I could have reached this place of peace and acceptance and general “okay-ness” without some significant help, and in giving this all to the Lord like I have, He has continually blessed me with grace and dignity to handle this well. It’s still hard, to be sure – every day I have to intentionally lay down the anger and hurt and expectations. I didn’t want things to end up this way, of course, and no amount of time will change that, but God is also blessing me with new perspective – daily! – on my situation. In my quiet times and through my amazing friends, I am beginning to see how God is using this to bless me, to make me a better person, and to bring fullness into my life. It’s so weird to say those things, since I have lost so much, but God’s character is really being shown to me in the way that He’s returning me with more abundant blessings than the things I’ve had to give up. Yes, so much has been taken away (such beautiful dreams!) but I am starting to see beauty where I’m at right now, too.
And, anyway, isn’t that what summertime is all about? New adventures, discovering new things, starting over, beauty, excitement? I am certainly ready for all of those things. And I’ve already started to see it – I’m doing things I didn’t do before, like dancing and going on long drives by myself. I’m spending so much time with and making so many great memories with my excellent friends. I’m becoming more independent. I'm learning more about who my God is and who He says that I am.
And I couldn’t ask for anything better from this time.
Here’s to starting over.
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. – Proverbs 31:25