It’s hard to believe even as I’m writing this, but the semester is over. School is finished (until summer school starts, that is!), and as I leave behind my last physiology classes and gen eds and start looking towards nursing school, I’m leaving behind a lot more than just lectures and papers and binders full of notes. Even though I’m not quite done yet (I’ll graduate in December), there is such a feeling of finality, of resolution, about the semester ending and summer beginning.
That person that I loved was everywhere – we studied in the
libraries together, we rode the CatTran to school together, we had lunch dates
in the union together; the memories that I have from our relationship completely saturate my campus. I
invested so much into this relationship, poured 100% of my heart into something
that I never imagined wouldn’t actually happen. But oh, do plans change!
So as I close the door on my senior year of college (here’s
a woot woot for all the fifth-year seniors!), I’m closing the door on a lot of
things. Memories, hopes, dreams, plans, possibilities – beautiful things that I
will never forget, but dead things that I am SO ready to move on from. And I’m so thankful for this new
crossroad, this new opportunity to keep moving away from all of the hurt and
heartache and disappointment. I want so much to keep walking away from
everything that has happened this semester – not to forget it all, because I
don’t think you ever forget your first love, and because I have loved and
learned so much. But to just keep
moving forward. This was seriously the most
difficult semester of my entire undergraduate career (for many more reasons
than just this). But knowing that I am at this tangible turning point in my
life gives me such hope for the future.
And I am so thankful for the grace that God has given me to
get here. There is no way I could have reached this place of peace and
acceptance and general “okay-ness” without some significant help, and in giving
this all to the Lord like I have, He has continually blessed me with grace and
dignity to handle this well. It’s still hard, to be sure – every day I have to
intentionally lay down the anger and hurt and expectations. I didn’t want
things to end up this way, of course, and no amount of time will change that,
but God is also blessing me with new perspective – daily! – on my situation. In
my quiet times and through my amazing friends, I am beginning to see how God is
using this to bless me, to make me a better person, and to bring fullness into
my life. It’s so weird to say those things, since I have lost so much, but
God’s character is really being shown to me in the way that He’s returning me
with more abundant blessings than the things I’ve had to give up. Yes, so much
has been taken away (such beautiful dreams!) but I am starting to see beauty
where I’m at right now, too.
And, anyway, isn’t that what summertime is all about? New
adventures, discovering new things, starting over, beauty, excitement? I am
certainly ready for all of those things. And I’ve already started to see it –
I’m doing things I didn’t do before, like dancing and going on long drives by
myself. I’m spending so much time with and making so many great memories with
my excellent friends. I’m becoming more independent. I'm learning more about who my God is and who He says that I am.
And I couldn’t ask for anything better from this time.
Here’s to starting over.
She is clothed with
strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. – Proverbs
31:25
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