It's Good to Remember...

Crossroads, Turning Points, and the Things that Make Moving On Easier

It’s hard to believe even as I’m writing this, but the semester is over. School is finished (until summer school starts, that is!), and as I leave behind my last physiology classes and gen eds and start looking towards nursing school, I’m leaving behind a lot more than just lectures and papers and binders full of notes. Even though I’m not quite done yet (I’ll graduate in December), there is such a feeling of finality, of resolution, about the semester ending and summer beginning.

That person that I loved was everywhere – we studied in the libraries together, we rode the CatTran to school together, we had lunch dates in the union together; the memories that I have from our relationship completely saturate my campus. I invested so much into this relationship, poured 100% of my heart into something that I never imagined wouldn’t actually happen. But oh, do plans change!

So as I close the door on my senior year of college (here’s a woot woot for all the fifth-year seniors!), I’m closing the door on a lot of things. Memories, hopes, dreams, plans, possibilities – beautiful things that I will never forget, but dead things that I am SO ready to move on from. And I’m so thankful for this new crossroad, this new opportunity to keep moving away from all of the hurt and heartache and disappointment. I want so much to keep walking away from everything that has happened this semester – not to forget it all, because I don’t think you ever forget your first love, and because I have loved and learned so much. But to just keep moving forward. This was seriously the most difficult semester of my entire undergraduate career (for many more reasons than just this). But knowing that I am at this tangible turning point in my life gives me such hope for the future.

And I am so thankful for the grace that God has given me to get here. There is no way I could have reached this place of peace and acceptance and general “okay-ness” without some significant help, and in giving this all to the Lord like I have, He has continually blessed me with grace and dignity to handle this well. It’s still hard, to be sure – every day I have to intentionally lay down the anger and hurt and expectations. I didn’t want things to end up this way, of course, and no amount of time will change that, but God is also blessing me with new perspective – daily! – on my situation. In my quiet times and through my amazing friends, I am beginning to see how God is using this to bless me, to make me a better person, and to bring fullness into my life. It’s so weird to say those things, since I have lost so much, but God’s character is really being shown to me in the way that He’s returning me with more abundant blessings than the things I’ve had to give up. Yes, so much has been taken away (such beautiful dreams!) but I am starting to see beauty where I’m at right now, too.

And, anyway, isn’t that what summertime is all about? New adventures, discovering new things, starting over, beauty, excitement? I am certainly ready for all of those things. And I’ve already started to see it – I’m doing things I didn’t do before, like dancing and going on long drives by myself. I’m spending so much time with and making so many great memories with my excellent friends. I’m becoming more independent. I'm learning more about who my God is and who He says that I am.

And I couldn’t ask for anything better from this time.

Here’s to starting over.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. – Proverbs 31:25

The Road to Somewhere

Right now, I'm taking a break from studying for my second final tomorrow, and I am overwhelmed by this feeling of disbelief.

That's the best word I can think of to describe it, really. Others that I thought of were shock, awe, incredulousness (is that even a word? incredulity?), amazement. 

I can't believe that in two days, my semester will be over. I will have successfully completed four years of college. 

Thank goodness I'm not graduating until December - I'm not mentally prepared yet!!

I also can't believe that I'm in the place that I'm at in my life. In my relationships with my friends, with my family, with my ex-boyfriend, with God, with myself. 

It is so astounding to me- everything is completely different. Some things are different in amazing ways, and some things are different in awful ways, but nothing is the same as it was even at the beginning of the semester. I feel like a completely different person, and that just blows my mind. 

It is crazy how God can use one situation to redefine everything about you. To rearrange your priorities, to rearrange your values, to rearrange your time and your money and your relationships.

I had thought that I had everything planned out; I thought I knew how my life was going to look, at least for the foreseeable future. And now, I don't really know anything. I honestly couldn't even tell you what I'm expecting from the next month of my life, let alone the next five years. 

And it's scary, not to know. Not to know what will happen or where you will be or who you will be with or what to expect from it all. 

But I know that God knows. I know that He has an adventure planned for me - even for my summer, which will be full of working and calculus, I know that God has something extraordinary. One of the biggest things that I have learned from this season of my life is that, a lot of times, God ends up doing things in a way that looks completely different than how you thought it would look. And even though that means I have no control over it (if I want to follow His plan, that is), even though it's scary to just walk forward into something unknown, I feel okay. I know God's got it under control. I know that the adventure He has planned for me is grander than the one I planned for myself. 

I feel like, before, while I was still with my ex-boyfriend, things were pretty constant. Not boring, by any means - he was such a fun person to be with. But nothing major really happened. Nothing that made me do a double-take and go, "whoa." It was comfortable. Routine. Familiar. And don't get me wrong- I loved it.

But I have this feeling, this tingly feeling that starts in my toes and creeps all the way up to the tip-top of my head, that God is going to start doing things that rock me. I mean, He's already started. So many things are changing and improving and bursting forth, and I just have this feeling that that's what this new season of my life is going to be like. 

So as much as I have always disliked change

and challenges 

and not having control

I say bring it on. 

For I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Lessons from Some "Me Time"

In the past couple of weeks, I've really been focusing on me. For four years, my time has revolved around school, work, and Chi Alpha, and then for a year and a half I devoted the majority of my [limited] free time to a boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong - I loved it. I loved the way I spent my time, loved who I spent it with. I have no regrets.

But that season is over now, and oh my lanta - it was a rough transition. In the beginning of this new phase of my life, I did everything I did because I had to - it was a struggle to simply get to the next thing. 

But now I'm moving forward, moving on with my life, and I've been doing a lot of just-for-me things. 

Which feels good.

It feels like I'm taking a stand for something - for my independence, for my confidence, for myself.

Capitalizing on this new bit of free time I have and doing productive things with it. Enjoyable things. 

It's a weird feeling, really. I feel like a pretty independent person - I moved out when I was 17 and I was, for the most part, happily single until my junior year of college. But in this new part of my life, I don't have anyone to answer to. I never have to consider someone else's schedule when I make plans, no one is ever really wondering where I am or what I'm doing, and it's been an interesting adjustment. However, I have determined to view this new kind of individuality as freedom, as a great thing and as an opportunity to take care of myself! 

Not to say that I couldn't have done that when I was in a relationship. I never felt tied down or obligated by spending time with my boyfriend - he was my favorite and I loved it. Just keepin' it real.

But now I am by myself. A lot. Which is never something that I have enjoyed before - I have always preferred the company of other people to being alone. I've been going through a lot of adjustment, though, about what independence is to me now and what it entails- I live by myself, and that in and of itself affords me a lot of just me time. 

At first, it was rough. I didn't like it at all, and so my amazing friends welcomed me into their homes so that I never had to spend time alone if I didn't want to. [If you're one of those lovely people - you know who you are - know that I appreciate you so much!!] And I'm still quite enjoying a lot of quality time with people who are very dear to me. But I've also started to embrace my newly-defined independence. 

I've been paying more attention to my apartment - which has been sorely necessary, but something that I always put on the back burner because, for a long time, spending time with and doing fun things with my boyfriend and his family was more important to me than making sure my laundry was put away and that my dishes were always clean. Sue me. 

I've been having people over (I have found that I actually really love hosting!) and spending more time at my friends' homes as well. Which has been an immense joy, and something I'll write about soon!

This past weekend, I went to the mall - by myself - and spent a few hours shopping and spending some of my hard-earned money. And I didn't feel a shred of guilt afterwards. 

I got contacts, which is something I've wanted to do for a long time but just never did. My face feels naked, but I can see! 

I've been putting off a piercing that I wanted for a long time because my ex didn't like it, and I'm going to get it soon. There is also a new tattoo in the works, which I am very excited about!

I also started taking a dance class at a really awesome studio in town, and finally having a physical outlet for my emotions and stresses and thoughts has been one of the best things I could have possibly done for myself in this time.

And, most importantly of all, I've been spending a lot of quality time with Jesus. Just me and Him, walking through everything that's going on in my heart and in my head as I navigate this crazy, tumultuous, somehow exciting new season. 

Really, I feel like a completely different person than I was two months ago. After a breakup, a lot of girls do drastic things like some of the stuff I mentioned - they chop off their hair, dye it a different color, buy a completely new wardrobe, move away to a different state (or even a different country!). And I totally understand why.

I'm redefining myself. Not my identity - more than ever before, I feel firmly rooted in my foundation as a follower of Christ. But just my person, if you will. I'm not the same girl that I was even a few months ago - from the inside out, I feel completely different. I'm doing things that maybe I haven't done before, things I've been saying that I wanted to do, things that are making me feel really great about myself.

I'm breaking free from who I was and forging ahead into who I'm becoming. And that is a great feeling. 

Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! - 2 Corinthians 5:17

Patients and Patience

Today was a very. long. day. 

I had two classes in the morning, worked my usual 6-hour shift at my normal job, and then had just enough time to run home, eat dinner, change into my scrubs, and go to my volunteering shift at the hospital (which I got home from at midnight). 

It wasn't an easy shift, either - we had a psych patient (which is always interesting) and two others who were just extremely difficult. Looooong night pulled together in one statement: it was exhausting. 

One of my patients in particular really tested me. 

She wasn't an awful person, or anything - she was older, quite confused and disoriented, and she kept getting up out of her bed and wandering around her room. Which usually wouldn't be a problem, except that she was a fall risk patient, so every time she got out of bed an extremely urgent-sounding alert would go off in the nurses station to let us know that she was up. So I would have to rush in there to make sure she didn't fall down or rip her IV out of her arm, because she would forget to take her IV pole with her while she was walking around. And then, depending on what she was doing, I would have to follow her back and forth around her room, because she was insistent that she did not need to stay in her bed. 

It shouldn't have been as big of a deal as it was - I mean, it's my job to pick up extra slack for the nursing staff and for the other patient care techs, and this woman was definitely adding on extra work. But it took me to the very limits of my capacity for grace. On the outside, I spoke to her respectfully and courteously and patiently; on the inside, I wanted to scream! She wouldn't listen to any instructions that I gave her or comply with anything that I asked her, and she kept trying to dismiss me from the room. Trust me, if I could have just walked out and left her to her own devices, I would have. 

And the more time I spent just trying to get her back into her bed, the worse I felt. I started out just feeling frustrated and impatient, but the more I dwelled on my irritation, the more I started to feel all of the other negative emotions that I have been firmly rebuking for the past few weeks come creeping back. They rose up inside me like a huge wave that has been building and building, slowly creeping up to the shore until it is big enough to crest and, in a great display, crash to the shore. I felt angry, lonely, abused, disappointed, bitter, anxious, betrayed, confused, lost, forgotten. 

And it scared me. I haven't felt those things for weeks - I have been so focused on laying those feelings down to the Lord and trading them for his peace and patience and humility and grace. But as I practically wrestled with my patient tonight, between her IV pole and IV line and tele monitor wires, back and forth between her bed and the bathroom and shutting off alerts and making sure she didn't fall, I clearly recognized the wrestling that was going on in my heart. I could see the enemy swooping into a moment of vulnerability - just a teeny bit of frustration - and capitalizing on my weakness to bring me down in a huge crash of overwhelmingly negative emotions.

But God was there, too. And He reminded me, so so sweetly, that He has already given me victory over those things! My precious Father has already redeemed me from my brokenness - He fought the fight for me. And won it, by a landslide. 

So even though all of those horrible feelings came rushing back in an instant, 

even though I remembered how terrifyingly painful being overcome by those feelings was, 

even though I literally wanted to burst into tears, 

I didn't.

I just let God's victory be real in my life. I know He already overcame this brokenness and devastation for me. So I named each one of the negative emotions I was feeling, laid them at the foot of the Cross, and asked for peace. and patience. and grace. and humility. And God met me right there, in my patient's hospital room, and poured those blessings over me. For once, my situation didn't control my heart - God's heart for me gave me freedom. 

How marvelous, how boundless, is His perfect love for me. 

And for you. Yes, you!

"Ask, and it will be give to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." - Matthew 7:7

New Strength

This weekend was so incredible! I went with my sweet friend Steffanie (whose adventures you can follow here) to visit her family in Sierra Vista for the weekend, and although nothing particularly extraordinary happened, it was such an adventure for me. Getting out of Tucson for the first time since my breakup was more than a welcome change - I've felt so boxed in lately, going through my routine and trying to feel normal in my day-to-day again, that going somewhere different was such a great feeling. It was nice to not be reminded of my ex by every single place I went or every single thing I saw - to be in a place that was completely detached from anything having to do with him (which, of course, is not the case with Tucson!). 

Something I did reflect on a lot while we were there, spending time with her parents and sisters and doing normal/weekend/family type things, is the new part of this season that I'm in. I'm finally past the grieving, mourning stage of this, and now I'm stepping into the adjusting part. The acceptance has come, but I'm still in this awkward acclimation phase... I tweeted over the weekend that being completely cut off from the person you talked to all day, every day for a year and a half is one of the weirdest things to get used to. And that's one of the biggest things I am struggling to get used to - this huge absence of communication.

It is sad, but mostly, it just feels strange to wake up without good morning texts and to go to bed without saying goodnight to the person that I love. It feels strange not to tell him where I'm going, or that I've gotten there safely. It feels strange to get excited about something, and to want to tell him, but to not be able to. And to know that if I did tell him anyways, he wouldn't care. It feels strange for the person who was my best friend for almost two years to not be a part of my life at all, so abruptly. 

Of course, there is still pain. Even if my situation hadn't been as complicated as it was, even if it had been the cleanest, friendliest, easiest breakup in the world, it would still hurt. But I'm learning to have grace for myself in feeling the pain and in moving forward despite it, and I'm so thankful for the incredible people in my life (like Steffanie) who have continually shown me love and grace in my situation. I feel so determined to continue to live my life fully, to not focus on all of the things I'm missing out on. To keep pursuing the things that are set before me with passion - I've always been a passionate person, and I'm so thankful that my heartache hasn't changed that! And this weekend was a huge step for me - to do something different, to spend time with different people, to go somewhere different, and to truly enjoy every moment of it. To be present, even though my heart is hurting. To allow myself to be blessed by what I have and where I am right now. 

I was so blessed by Steffanie and her family this weekend. We share a similar cultural background, so I always feel right at home when I'm with them, and it is so lovely to be welcomed into their family and into their home. It almost felt familiar, which, when nothing in my life feels normal anymore, is a huge blessing. 

I think that's what this weekend was all about, really - God showing me his blessings. God has been faithfully showing up in every aspect of my life, and I am so, so thankful that I serve a loving God who, even when your heart is broken and it seems like everything has fallen apart, meets you where you're at and reveals His promises to you. Today in church, Steffanie's family pastor talked about Isaiah 40:27-31, and it really is so true in this time of my life - God has been my strength in a time that has been so emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally exhausting, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He is giving me the strength to emerge victorious from this mess, and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other with that strength! And that comes one small step at a time, like spending the weekend with a dear friend and her family. :)

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

Musings on the 16th - April Edition

Today, April 16, would have marked 20 months of my relationship. 

I don't say that forlornly - it is sad, yes, but my tone as I write this is really one of amazement. Amazement at how, even when you think you are certain of how things will end up, they often turn out  more differently than you ever could have imagined. 

I never would have guessed that I would ever be in this place. I never fathomed that my relationship would end, that the most important person in my life would become just someone that I used to know (excuse the cheesy song reference). Someone who just nods when we see each other in passing... someone that I no longer share even my plans for the day with, let alone my hopes and dreams. 

It truly is astounding how radically things can change. How quickly things change.

And it's also incredible how God fills up those sad, empty spaces with beautiful things.

It's almost paradoxical, really - although my romantic relationship ended so abruptly and disastrously, all of my other relationships have flourished. Profoundly. I feel closer to my family (even though we still talk to each other the same amount as before), and my friends have come alongside me so strongly and sweetly and I feel so, so blessed. God is allowing me to pour into the same quantity of relationships that I had before, but I think now He's really driving home the point of quality. Two friendships in particular (one, my best friend, and the other, an old roommate) have blessed me so much, and I am so grateful for these women that God has drawn up in my life to walk through all of this craziness with. While I didn't neglect these relationships before, God is bringing them to a focal point in my life, and it is incredible to feel so content in this place, with these people. 

Although I feel that I have lost so much, I don't feel - by any means! - that my life is any less full. And that is truly such a gift from the Lord.

...I came that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. - John 10:10