Sunday, April 21, 2013

New Strength

This weekend was so incredible! I went with my sweet friend Steffanie (whose adventures you can follow here) to visit her family in Sierra Vista for the weekend, and although nothing particularly extraordinary happened, it was such an adventure for me. Getting out of Tucson for the first time since my breakup was more than a welcome change - I've felt so boxed in lately, going through my routine and trying to feel normal in my day-to-day again, that going somewhere different was such a great feeling. It was nice to not be reminded of my ex by every single place I went or every single thing I saw - to be in a place that was completely detached from anything having to do with him (which, of course, is not the case with Tucson!). 

Something I did reflect on a lot while we were there, spending time with her parents and sisters and doing normal/weekend/family type things, is the new part of this season that I'm in. I'm finally past the grieving, mourning stage of this, and now I'm stepping into the adjusting part. The acceptance has come, but I'm still in this awkward acclimation phase... I tweeted over the weekend that being completely cut off from the person you talked to all day, every day for a year and a half is one of the weirdest things to get used to. And that's one of the biggest things I am struggling to get used to - this huge absence of communication.

It is sad, but mostly, it just feels strange to wake up without good morning texts and to go to bed without saying goodnight to the person that I love. It feels strange not to tell him where I'm going, or that I've gotten there safely. It feels strange to get excited about something, and to want to tell him, but to not be able to. And to know that if I did tell him anyways, he wouldn't care. It feels strange for the person who was my best friend for almost two years to not be a part of my life at all, so abruptly. 

Of course, there is still pain. Even if my situation hadn't been as complicated as it was, even if it had been the cleanest, friendliest, easiest breakup in the world, it would still hurt. But I'm learning to have grace for myself in feeling the pain and in moving forward despite it, and I'm so thankful for the incredible people in my life (like Steffanie) who have continually shown me love and grace in my situation. I feel so determined to continue to live my life fully, to not focus on all of the things I'm missing out on. To keep pursuing the things that are set before me with passion - I've always been a passionate person, and I'm so thankful that my heartache hasn't changed that! And this weekend was a huge step for me - to do something different, to spend time with different people, to go somewhere different, and to truly enjoy every moment of it. To be present, even though my heart is hurting. To allow myself to be blessed by what I have and where I am right now

I was so blessed by Steffanie and her family this weekend. We share a similar cultural background, so I always feel right at home when I'm with them, and it is so lovely to be welcomed into their family and into their home. It almost felt familiar, which, when nothing in my life feels normal anymore, is a huge blessing. 

I think that's what this weekend was all about, really - God showing me his blessings. God has been faithfully showing up in every aspect of my life, and I am so, so thankful that I serve a loving God who, even when your heart is broken and it seems like everything has fallen apart, meets you where you're at and reveals His promises to you. Today in church, Steffanie's family pastor talked about Isaiah 40:27-31, and it really is so true in this time of my life - God has been my strength in a time that has been so emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally exhausting, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He is giving me the strength to emerge victorious from this mess, and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other with that strength! And that comes one small step at a time, like spending the weekend with a dear friend and her family. :)

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

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