Right now, I'm taking a break from studying for my second final tomorrow, and I am overwhelmed by this feeling of disbelief.
That's the best word I can think of to describe it, really. Others that I thought of were shock, awe, incredulousness (is that even a word? incredulity?), amazement.
I can't believe that in two days, my semester will be over. I will have successfully completed four years of college.
Thank goodness I'm not graduating until December - I'm not mentally prepared yet!!
I also can't believe that I'm in the place that I'm at in my life. In my relationships with my friends, with my family, with my ex-boyfriend, with God, with myself.
It is so astounding to me- everything is completely different. Some things are different in amazing ways, and some things are different in awful ways, but nothing is the same as it was even at the beginning of the semester. I feel like a completely different person, and that just blows my mind.
It is crazy how God can use one situation to redefine everything about you. To rearrange your priorities, to rearrange your values, to rearrange your time and your money and your relationships.
I had thought that I had everything planned out; I thought I knew how my life was going to look, at least for the foreseeable future. And now, I don't really know anything. I honestly couldn't even tell you what I'm expecting from the next month of my life, let alone the next five years.
And it's scary, not to know. Not to know what will happen or where you will be or who you will be with or what to expect from it all.
But I know that God knows. I know that He has an adventure planned for me - even for my summer, which will be full of working and calculus, I know that God has something extraordinary. One of the biggest things that I have learned from this season of my life is that, a lot of times, God ends up doing things in a way that looks completely different than how you thought it would look. And even though that means I have no control over it (if I want to follow His plan, that is), even though it's scary to just walk forward into something unknown, I feel okay. I know God's got it under control. I know that the adventure He has planned for me is grander than the one I planned for myself.
I feel like, before, while I was still with my ex-boyfriend, things were pretty constant. Not boring, by any means - he was such a fun person to be with. But nothing major really happened. Nothing that made me do a double-take and go, "whoa." It was comfortable. Routine. Familiar. And don't get me wrong- I loved it.
But I have this feeling, this tingly feeling that starts in my toes and creeps all the way up to the tip-top of my head, that God is going to start doing things that rock me. I mean, He's already started. So many things are changing and improving and bursting forth, and I just have this feeling that that's what this new season of my life is going to be like.
So as much as I have always disliked change
and not having control
I say bring it on.
For I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11