Red

This says everything.

Change

A lot of things are hard.

Being single again is hard. Read: being single is not as hard (for me, at least - I wouldn't assume that my struggles are the same as someone else's!). I loved being single - it was a really fun season and I have so many great memories from that time! Being single again is hard. It’s hard to redefine your former “we” as now just “me”; it’s hard to fill your “we” time with “me” time or with “them” time and not feel like something is missing. It’s also hard to remember that that gets better with time, and hard to imagine that there is something better than what you had.

Breaking old habits is hard. Breaking old habits that you loved is harder.

Missing someone is hard. Missing someone and knowing that they’re probably not missing you is harder. 

Change is hard. Moving on is hard. Dying to yourself, dying to your desires, giving up the things that you are passionate about and dreamed about and hoped for… so hard. 

Following Jesus when things are going great is easy. It’s easy to trust in God when everything is going smoothly, grandly, just how you want it to! But we are human, and we naturally resist change. So much of that comes out of fear, and so much of it comes out of our selfish natures - we want what we want, when we want it and how. It’s just how we are. And that makes this so, so hard. In my head, I know that God has a plan and a purpose- and a more beautiful one than my own plan for myself, at that! But in my heart, it is hard to lose and to let go and to move on from something so big. 

But I am thankful that I don’t have to do these things on my own. It’s not my strength that enables me, but a strength that is much, much greater. I am thankful that I don't have to be stuck in this place, that as hard as it is, I am constantly moving forward. There is grace for me in these struggles, and new mercies come every morning and I reflect on new victories every evening. And it’s all because of the miracle that my God, who knows my every fault, flaw, and failure, loves me, and my heart finds rest and strength in Him to take each new step on this hard, hard journey.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:12-13

Little Blessings

Today, it is a beautiful, breezy, clear, cool spring day. Absolutely gorgeous outside. The kind of day that, two months ago, would have made me want to twirl around, arms outstretched and face upturned, heart swelling with joy.

One of the ladies I work with, a really lovely woman with a special heart for students, took me to lunch at a delightful little French cafe today. We sat outside in the shade, ate crepes and eggs Benedict, drank tea and watched tiny little sparrows hop around in the dirt. It was, for lack of any more perfect word, lovely.

So even though my heart didn't swell with joy today, I am so thankful. And I feel so blessed. For the first time in a long while, I actually remembered what joy feels like- my heart has been so heavy with sorrow that for a while, I forgot what it's like to feel joy. But as I sat at our table at lunch, I knew I would feel it again. Soon.

Today was a huge step for me - for the first time, I was able to discuss my breakup and the loss of the first love of my life without feeling grief, without feeling anger, without feeling confusion. There is a wistfulness, to be sure, a longing, as there always is when you must let go of something that once was beautiful but now is dead. I think I'm finally starting to move out of the season of sharp, intense pain, anger, and grief and into a season where wistful smiles replace tears, where careful curiosity of what is to come replaces the gripping terror of facing an uncertain future. 

I'm slowly, steadily making my way out of this dark, tangled, scary forest into a clearing. A clearing where I can breathe again, where I can re-acclimate and become myself again before turning about myself, making a decision, and moving forward down the next path into something new. 

This Is My Story

This song has been one of the biggest encouragements to me this past week. Every new week that I walk through in this season presents so many challenges, but I am so thankful that God uses things like beautiful friends, trashy tv shows (yes, God even uses Carrie Bradshaw to speak truth into my life - somehow!), and incredible songs of worship, praise, and encouragement to lift me up in this darkness. 

I so look forward to the day when I can look back on this period of my life, walking completely free from the brokenness that fills it, and sing this song as a declaration of the victory that I will find at the end of this road. Every day that I submit to the Lord is a victory, indeed, and I know good things are coming - and until I no longer struggle under the weight of my current circumstance, I DO declare these words over my life, and I rejoice that God is faithful and always there.

Ever since that day

It's been clear to me

That no matter what comes

You will never leave

I know You're for me

And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure

Every broken dream

You're the God who sees

The God who rescues me

This is my story

This is my story

Rainstorms and Remembering

So, it's raining outside. And even though I've been doing such a great job lately of pressing on, moving forward, accepting my situation and not letting the sadness overwhelm me, this stupid rain checkmated me.

As horrible as all the things that have happened lately have been (this situation really is my own personal horror story), somehow in this moment, listening to the rain smack against the pavement outside my lonely little apartment, I miss him. And I'm remembering all of the beautiful moments in our relationship that happened in the rain... and because they're beautiful, because once, our relationship was beautiful, I want to share some of them.

The very first conversation we ever had (which happened to be on Facebook) happened during the very first Arizona monsoon that I ever witnessed. When the rain had calmed down, my roommate and I went outside to dance around and play in it, and he told me that was the most adorable thing he'd ever heard of.

At the very beginning of our relationship, when everything was still magical and unbelievable and new, he surprised me at my house with my favorite coffee. During a monsoon. 

Once, I showed him my bucket list, and on it was "kiss in the rain." (Cheesy, I know). Later that evening, we went to Chipotle for dinner (one of our favorites), and when we came back out, it was raining. And he kissed me. 

Those are just a few, but aren't they beautiful memories? I hope that someday, I can remember them with fondness instead of with grief. And I hope that it stops raining soon. 

Love and War

They say that all's fair in love and war.

But how is it that overnight, love turns into war? That your best friend can become a complete stranger? That your biggest supporter can become the person who cuts you down the most?

This is exactly what happened to me. And, from what I have experienced throughout this process, all is NOT fair. Ever. 

It's not fair to be treated without respect or compassion after a long-term, committed, serious relationship ends.

It's not fair to be thrown to the curb. 

It's not fair to be given up on, when you would have never given up yourself.

It's not fair to have to be the one who feels all of the pain and all of the loss.

It's not fair that something that mattered so much to you is discarded so easily..  

It's not fair to have to be the one who suffers, and for someone else to get to enjoy all of the things that you poured into passionately. 

It's not fair that your dreams are the ones that die, that your hopes are the ones that crumble, and that your desires are the ones that must be sacrificed. 

All is not fair in love, and it's a tragedy that love turns so easily into war. 

True Love

It is a terrible, painful feeling - perhaps the most terrible and most painful feeling in the world - to know that you are not wanted. To be rejected, to be discarded and to be replaced - by someone you love, no less! It was never meant to be that these things should happen - they are grievous, truly, and it is perhaps one of the greatest tragedies that we, as humans, face in love and in relationship. They go against every truth that God speaks about grace, compassion, and unconditional love, and they wound us to the core. 

But though they are physical realities - I know as well as anyone how deeply they cut - they are lies. And for women, perhaps the most piercing lie of all is that we are not wanted. Desired. Worthy to be fought for. Delighted in. These lies are the weapons that the Enemy uses to destroy us, from the inside out. And so, so often, we believe them.

But our God fights for us. He redeems those lies and replaces them with truth - beautiful truths! The Lord wants us to rejoice in relationship with Him, because He always wants us. We are His Beloved, and He desires us. He delights in us. Always. No matter what. No matter how crazy and emotional we are that day. No matter how much of a tendency that we have to nitpick and nag. No matter how particular or controlling we are. He is deeply, passionately in love with us, His Beloved, and it is in His love only that we will never face rejection. We will never be discarded, unwanted, replaced by something better - because to Him, we are the best thing. He fights for us. He delights in us. He loves us. 

“Long ago the Lord said to Israel: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.’” - Jeremiah 31:3