Rainstorms and Remembering

So, it's raining outside. And even though I've been doing such a great job lately of pressing on, moving forward, accepting my situation and not letting the sadness overwhelm me, this stupid rain checkmated me.

As horrible as all the things that have happened lately have been (this situation really is my own personal horror story), somehow in this moment, listening to the rain smack against the pavement outside my lonely little apartment, I miss him. And I'm remembering all of the beautiful moments in our relationship that happened in the rain... and because they're beautiful, because once, our relationship was beautiful, I want to share some of them.

The very first conversation we ever had (which happened to be on Facebook) happened during the very first Arizona monsoon that I ever witnessed. When the rain had calmed down, my roommate and I went outside to dance around and play in it, and he told me that was the most adorable thing he'd ever heard of.

At the very beginning of our relationship, when everything was still magical and unbelievable and new, he surprised me at my house with my favorite coffee. During a monsoon. 

Once, I showed him my bucket list, and on it was "kiss in the rain." (Cheesy, I know). Later that evening, we went to Chipotle for dinner (one of our favorites), and when we came back out, it was raining. And he kissed me. 

Those are just a few, but aren't they beautiful memories? I hope that someday, I can remember them with fondness instead of with grief. And I hope that it stops raining soon. 

Love and War

They say that all's fair in love and war.

But how is it that overnight, love turns into war? That your best friend can become a complete stranger? That your biggest supporter can become the person who cuts you down the most?

This is exactly what happened to me. And, from what I have experienced throughout this process, all is NOT fair. Ever. 

It's not fair to be treated without respect or compassion after a long-term, committed, serious relationship ends.

It's not fair to be thrown to the curb. 

It's not fair to be given up on, when you would have never given up yourself.

It's not fair to have to be the one who feels all of the pain and all of the loss.

It's not fair that something that mattered so much to you is discarded so easily..  

It's not fair to have to be the one who suffers, and for someone else to get to enjoy all of the things that you poured into passionately. 

It's not fair that your dreams are the ones that die, that your hopes are the ones that crumble, and that your desires are the ones that must be sacrificed. 

All is not fair in love, and it's a tragedy that love turns so easily into war. 

True Love

It is a terrible, painful feeling - perhaps the most terrible and most painful feeling in the world - to know that you are not wanted. To be rejected, to be discarded and to be replaced - by someone you love, no less! It was never meant to be that these things should happen - they are grievous, truly, and it is perhaps one of the greatest tragedies that we, as humans, face in love and in relationship. They go against every truth that God speaks about grace, compassion, and unconditional love, and they wound us to the core. 

But though they are physical realities - I know as well as anyone how deeply they cut - they are lies. And for women, perhaps the most piercing lie of all is that we are not wanted. Desired. Worthy to be fought for. Delighted in. These lies are the weapons that the Enemy uses to destroy us, from the inside out. And so, so often, we believe them.

But our God fights for us. He redeems those lies and replaces them with truth - beautiful truths! The Lord wants us to rejoice in relationship with Him, because He always wants us. We are His Beloved, and He desires us. He delights in us. Always. No matter what. No matter how crazy and emotional we are that day. No matter how much of a tendency that we have to nitpick and nag. No matter how particular or controlling we are. He is deeply, passionately in love with us, His Beloved, and it is in His love only that we will never face rejection. We will never be discarded, unwanted, replaced by something better - because to Him, we are the best thing. He fights for us. He delights in us. He loves us. 

“Long ago the Lord said to Israel: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.’” - Jeremiah 31:3

Moving On

Such ruin. Such devastation. Such desolation. Such disaster. Such grief. Such ugliness and awfulness.

I never used to understand in all of the chick flicks, why the main character completely falls apart after she is broken up with. I never understood why it took her so long to be happy again, why she couldn't just brace herself into the pain and just move on.

But then I fell in love. I went all in with someone. And I was let down. It wasn't my happy ending.

I understand now. I understand why all of those movies show the same scenario over and over again, why Bella just sat in the chair for months on end after Edward left, feeling like her life was over. (Mind - I don't excuse it; I just understand.)

The pain is real. The abandonment is real. 

The emptiness, the ache, the sharpness, the complete and utter disappointment - it's all real. 

But somehow, I don't feel like my life is over. Oddly, I feel like an entirely new door is opening- into what? Who's to say. 

More than ever before, in this moment, I know that God is real. Because this doesn't make sense - it doesn't make sense for me to feel peace and love and calmness when everything has come crashing down around me. It doesn't make sense to feel hope for a future that I have absolutely no insight into. It doesn't make sense to feel reassured that something better is coming, when I thought this was the best it could get. 

But something better is coming. Healing is coming, joy is coming, happiness and fullness and love is coming.

I can just feel it. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7

Worn

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

'Cause I'm worn

Ouch.

Sometimes, there is a moment in your struggle when you realize that even though somebody else caused the pain that you’re feeling,

you yourself actually played a huge role in causing those decisions that hurt you. That you did a lot of the hurting, too.

And that moment is one of the sharpest, most painful moments of all. 

Broken.

That one word perfectly describes my life right now. 

Nothing is intact - not my heart, not my spirit, not my dreams, not my hopes- everything is broken. And while there is so much pain, while almost every awful thing that could have happened in this situation has happened, I feel peace. 

I certainly pray that nothing else happens - my heart has been trampled on quite enough, thank you. I feel as battered and bruised as a mere mortal would have felt in the glass chamber that Thor tumbles down to earth in from the hovercraft in the Avengers. (Excuse my interjection of nerdiness). And I’m ready for rest. And healing. And restoration. And resurrection!

But bruises take time to heal, and they hurt for a long time after the initial insult. My entire relationship with the man that I love and whom I thought loved me has quite literally, crashed and burned. And I’m just left here, poking around in the ruins and the rubble trying to salvage the parts of me that I can find again.

But my God is faithful. He has changed me so much in the six weeks that I’ve been walking through this, and even though I have been let down so terribly and so tragically, God has held me up. He’s taking all of the broken, bent, battered pieces of my heart and thrusting them deeper into the fire, the way that a glassblower artfully forms a masterpiece from something ugly and unrefined. Never before have I been so acutely aware of my ugliness, but again I say - my God is so faithful! My ugliness and brokenness doesn’t deter Him at all! I have declared my heart to be His and He is lifting me up, moment by moment, so sweetly and in so much truth. 

This is such a painful road. I would never wish this agony on anyone - not even, dare I say it, the one who caused it in me. God is pouring His grace over my heart and over my life, and in doing so, He is teaching me so much about my own calling to shower others with that grace. It’s a lesson that I’ve been praying He would teach me for so long, and if I would have known the way He was going to choose to teach it to me I probably never would have asked! (Haha.) But the fact that the Lord is still drawing me close to Him, that He’s still molding me and refining me and shaping me to be just the way He made me to be, gives me such joy! A year and a half of the most important relationship I’ve ever had has been thrown by the wayside, discarded and unwanted, and yet I feel purpose. I feel God working His plan in and all around me, and I am so hopeful for what is to come. 

God truly is astounding - that He would take something so hopeless, so impossible, so full of despair, and redeem it into something beautiful and hopeful and life-giving. I am so thankful to serve a God who loves me so deeply. 

"To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory." -- Isaiah 61:3, NLT