Moving On

Such ruin. Such devastation. Such desolation. Such disaster. Such grief. Such ugliness and awfulness.

I never used to understand in all of the chick flicks, why the main character completely falls apart after she is broken up with. I never understood why it took her so long to be happy again, why she couldn't just brace herself into the pain and just move on.

But then I fell in love. I went all in with someone. And I was let down. It wasn't my happy ending.

I understand now. I understand why all of those movies show the same scenario over and over again, why Bella just sat in the chair for months on end after Edward left, feeling like her life was over. (Mind - I don't excuse it; I just understand.)

The pain is real. The abandonment is real. 

The emptiness, the ache, the sharpness, the complete and utter disappointment - it's all real. 

But somehow, I don't feel like my life is over. Oddly, I feel like an entirely new door is opening- into what? Who's to say. 

More than ever before, in this moment, I know that God is real. Because this doesn't make sense - it doesn't make sense for me to feel peace and love and calmness when everything has come crashing down around me. It doesn't make sense to feel hope for a future that I have absolutely no insight into. It doesn't make sense to feel reassured that something better is coming, when I thought this was the best it could get. 

But something better is coming. Healing is coming, joy is coming, happiness and fullness and love is coming.

I can just feel it. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7

Worn

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That's frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that's dead inside can be reborn

'Cause I'm worn

Ouch.

Sometimes, there is a moment in your struggle when you realize that even though somebody else caused the pain that you’re feeling,

you yourself actually played a huge role in causing those decisions that hurt you. That you did a lot of the hurting, too.

And that moment is one of the sharpest, most painful moments of all. 

Broken.

That one word perfectly describes my life right now. 

Nothing is intact - not my heart, not my spirit, not my dreams, not my hopes- everything is broken. And while there is so much pain, while almost every awful thing that could have happened in this situation has happened, I feel peace. 

I certainly pray that nothing else happens - my heart has been trampled on quite enough, thank you. I feel as battered and bruised as a mere mortal would have felt in the glass chamber that Thor tumbles down to earth in from the hovercraft in the Avengers. (Excuse my interjection of nerdiness). And I’m ready for rest. And healing. And restoration. And resurrection!

But bruises take time to heal, and they hurt for a long time after the initial insult. My entire relationship with the man that I love and whom I thought loved me has quite literally, crashed and burned. And I’m just left here, poking around in the ruins and the rubble trying to salvage the parts of me that I can find again.

But my God is faithful. He has changed me so much in the six weeks that I’ve been walking through this, and even though I have been let down so terribly and so tragically, God has held me up. He’s taking all of the broken, bent, battered pieces of my heart and thrusting them deeper into the fire, the way that a glassblower artfully forms a masterpiece from something ugly and unrefined. Never before have I been so acutely aware of my ugliness, but again I say - my God is so faithful! My ugliness and brokenness doesn’t deter Him at all! I have declared my heart to be His and He is lifting me up, moment by moment, so sweetly and in so much truth. 

This is such a painful road. I would never wish this agony on anyone - not even, dare I say it, the one who caused it in me. God is pouring His grace over my heart and over my life, and in doing so, He is teaching me so much about my own calling to shower others with that grace. It’s a lesson that I’ve been praying He would teach me for so long, and if I would have known the way He was going to choose to teach it to me I probably never would have asked! (Haha.) But the fact that the Lord is still drawing me close to Him, that He’s still molding me and refining me and shaping me to be just the way He made me to be, gives me such joy! A year and a half of the most important relationship I’ve ever had has been thrown by the wayside, discarded and unwanted, and yet I feel purpose. I feel God working His plan in and all around me, and I am so hopeful for what is to come. 

God truly is astounding - that He would take something so hopeless, so impossible, so full of despair, and redeem it into something beautiful and hopeful and life-giving. I am so thankful to serve a God who loves me so deeply. 

"To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory." -- Isaiah 61:3, NLT

Renewal

I am in awe of this journey. God has done so much in me and has brought me so far in just six weeks - six of the longest, hardest, and fastest-moving weeks of my life. I’m learning what it means to put my trust fully in Him, to let Him alone be the source of my hope. Not a single step of this has been easy, but it’s astounding, really, to look back over the amount of time that has passed since my breakup and to really, truly see how God has been moving in my life and in who I am. 

The biggest thing that I see when I reflect on this time of singleness and loneliness and sadness is that God has been so faithful to me. Deuteronomy 31:6 says “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” And this has been such a truth in my life! At the very beginning of this situation, there were times when I felt such despair over being left alone, over losing the person that I love the very most. And even in those times - and oh, how dark they were! - the Lord was with me at every moment, holding me and comforting me and covering me with His grace. 

Another thing I’ve learned is that no matter where you’re at in your life or in your faith, being broken up with leaves a lot of empty spaces in your heart and in your life. And God has been sweetly, gently, gradually filling up those spaces with so much to be thankful for - the friends that I have blogged about that have come alongside me on this really rough road, the family that has always supported me through every mountain and valley of my life, and even an okay-ness (?) with being just by myself. Never in my life have I enjoyed being alone, but God is really drawing me into an appreciation of the truth that even when there are no people around me, I am never truly alone (and how grateful I am for that!!). 

Today was Easter Sunday, and God chose such a perfect time to remind me that He meets our needs exceedingly. A weekend that I thought was going to be full of solitude and memories that would remind me of all the things that are missing from my life, God turned into a precious two days of joy and peace and fellowship and I am so, so thankful. All weekend, I was surrounded by people who encouraged me and welcomed me, and being in the company of so many whom I dearly love just reminded me that even in the midst of so much loss and change, I am so incredibly blessed. Easter is a day that reminds us of Jesus’ miraculous, saving resurrection and revival, and God indeed reminded me today that in order for Him to raise something from the dead, it has to die first! I truly feel like so much in my heart and in my life is dead, and I am so hopeful in the knowledge that God brings beauty out of ashes. So many things in my life are sitting in big, yucky piles of ash, and I’m so glad that I serve a God who promises to restore those things. I am so hopeful to see how that will happen, what it will look like, and when, but after such an encouraging weekend I feel such a renewed strength to continue forward and to keep waiting on the Lord. 

Thankfulness - 3.30.13

This is absolutely the last thing I thought I would ever be saying right about now, but at this very moment,

I am completely in love with my life.

I have the most amazing family and friends - I have been so, so blessed. It astounds me, really, that even when so much is going completely wrong, I have so much to be thankful for. 

Thank you, Lord. 

TGFGF - Thank God for Good Friday

Today was one of the worst Fridays of my entire life. Top five for sure. It was emotional, stressful, difficult... the whole nine yards. 

But you know what else today was? Today was our reminder that two thousand years ago, Jesus was nailed to a cross and took the fate that we deserved. He declared “Tetelestai” - it is finished. Our sins were declared null and void and our debt was paid in full! He died to defeat the death that would have otherwise conquered our lives. He stood in the gap for us, petitioned to the Father on our behalf, tore the veil and made a way for us to be in relationship with our King. He gave us grace. 

How beautiful! What an amazing blessing - there are no words. God sent his perfect, blameless son to save us from ourselves, to give us the promise of life. 

So, actually, I’d say it was a pretty Good Friday after all.